Recently, my daughter asked me why do women have to work so hard not to intimidate others and constantly work to sidestep school (or office) drama? It was a serious backlash from her male peers for good grades that motivated the question. At 16, she instinctively asked the question that took me years to answer — that people who insult, slam or shame others are 1) jealous 2) insecure 3) want attention or 4) just plain mean.

So how do we handle these numerous situations with grace? How would our role models like Michelle Obama or Princess Diana react? How can we be classy and not trashy in our response?

Consider the source…

Are the instigators being rude, mean or downright evil?

If they are rude, typically it’s out of thoughtless inconsideration. It’s like that awkward aunt who always says, “You really shouldn’t wear that, it makes you look fat.” Sure it hurts, but usually these relatives and friends are not trying to insult you or create a power struggle. They honestly believe they’re helping you. They are also the ones who post tactless comments on Facebook. Keep their words in perspective and don’t worry about it.

Meanness is crueler. The perpetrator is trying to denigrate their victim, criticizing their clothes, looks, intelligence, or friends…anything that elevates their social status in that moment. As a parent, I find many of the middle school and high school (and even adult) comments fall in this category. The teens engaging in this behavior usually are insecure or jealous about something and strike out at the most convenient target. Sometimes we can confront the person with “That wasn’t cool,” or “Why would you say that? You know it’s not true.” And they may back down. Or you give them time to cool off.

But bullying is downright evil. It is the intent to harm repeatedly whether verbally or physically and to show that the aggressor has the social power. We find this in schools and our workplaces. Bystanders wield the most power over bullies. By sticking together and creating atmospheres that have no tolerance for aggressive behavior, we can stop their threats and intimidation.

So to my answer my daughter’s question and to continue to be classy (and not trashy) to the insensitive people and bullies in the world…

1) Don’t stoop to their level. Ever.

2) If a friend really is cruel, vindictive and continues to be so, he/she is not your friend; they’re a bully. Forewarned is forearmed. Be polite but don’t go out of your way to help or be in their path.

3) BE OVER CAUTIOUS on social media and BE AWARE how words harm. Never post anything or write anything you wouldn’t want your grandmother to read or see. Many businesses, colleges and even potential roommates and dates look at your social media to see if you’re classy or worse.

4) Don’t gossip. It will come back to haunt you at the worst possible moment. Trust me, karma is real.

5) Never be rude. There’s more to life than being a world-class jerk. Let people remember you for your grace and kindness.

6) However, when someone is manipulating you, abusing you, or taking advantage of you, don’t be nice. Be authentic, be direct and don’t apologize for setting boundaries against their bad behavior.

And never worry what they call you behind your back because you stood up for yourself. It’s their problem, not yours.