Strong friendships aren’t magically created nor are they based on a few happy moments together. They take time and commitment to develop. Although many people believe that friends can be made through our social and business networks, unless these relationships are nurtured as well as share deep ethical values, then they become mostly friendships of convenience.
So what are some of the red flags of dangerous friendships?
1) Moral Accountability
Once I was completely surprised when a friend said, “Everybody steals from their office. Corporations have padding so that Joe Shmoe can have that nice dinner on the corporate account or Sally can get a spa treatment during a business trip.” When I protested that I didn’t, she responded, “Of course you do. Everybody does.” Remember, if someone brags about immoral behavior such as stealing or lying, rest assured that they do it and will eventually do it to you.
2) Relinquishes Responsibilities Repeatedly
If a friend repeatedly blames others for their failures in business, romantic relationships, and life in general, beware. Often these people will become unreasonably angry with reasonable expectations such as a “landlord’s” right to expect their rent in a timely fashion or a client’s expectation for professional conduct. Many times their anger follows a bout of dysfunctional behavior such as a shopping addiction because they “deserve” it or drinking because they “need” it or yelling at loved ones because they can’t “control” themselves. Watch carefully how they exhibit their denial in their own life. How often do they justify their irresponsibility and bad behavior toward others?
3) Failure of Kindness
All friendships have rough patches but true friends are like the cavalry when we are in desperate need. If you are in a dire situation and a so-called friend turns you away, take note. They are unreliable and nothing you can say or do will make them help you…ever.
4) Situational is not Relational
Many men have trouble distinguishing business relationships from true friendships because they spend so much time with colleagues in a business deal or in a company. The same goes for young mothers who bond with others through their children’s schools or book clubs. A business deal or a child’s play date may lead to meeting people who share our values or it may not. Remember making friends takes time; it doesn’t happen instantly.
5) You can only know what you know when you know it.
I try not to berate myself for missing serious character flaws, but after a recent discovery of a “friend’s” questionable behavior, despite their effusive amiability, I am now more careful concerning people’s credentials and stories. I remind myself that actions will always speak louder than words and that I must act accordingly and not berate myself too much for missing dysfunctional patterns or narcissistic behavior.
6) Trust your gut
If a “friend” says something that raises a red flag, it is a red flag. Tread carefully. My biggest mistakes in friendships have been giving the benefit of the doubt to people who caused me to blink at something they said or did. Freudian slips are real.
